Thursday, 8 September 2011

The Door Swung Open

Rachel Harrie is hosting the First Campaigner Challenge. 


Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title.  It can be in any format, including a poem.  Begin the story with the words, "The door swung open."  These four words will be included in the word count.


Here's my attempt:


The door swung open.  Alice did not even hear it when it shut as she bowed down her head, staring at her jeans and her hands still clasped together in between her legs.  She felt a hand on her shoulder.  Startled, she looked up to see Adrian.  His face was flustered and sweaty.  He knew.  He didn't have to say a thing.  They just looked at each other.


She was the one who broke the silence.  "He's gone,"  she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks.


He nodded with eyes closed and sat next to her.  Adrian could hold it no longer.  He covered his face with his hands and sobbed.  Alice wrapped an arm around him, leaned on his shoulder.  And she wept, too.  


The suffering was over.  Their only child was finally at peace.

27 comments:

Old Kitty said...

Awww Len!! This is so sad. So sad! :-(

But it's a lovely read, thank you! Take care
x

Theresa Milstein said...

Oh, Len, so sad. Looks like something both were expecting. Parents should never outlive their children. It's not supposed to work like that.

allie said...

A very sad ending, but at the same time, there's something poetic about it.

Cortney said...

Sad! I got chills with the sadness. Well written, the tone was conveyed perfectly.

Angelina C. Hansen said...

So very real. So very sad.

Jess said...

Oh so sad!! LOVED IT!!
I'm entry #235

salarsenッ said...

This was so touching!!

Ann said...

Oh Len, I gasped at the end of this. My worst fear is this very thing. You captured the heartbreak here.

Crystal Collier said...

=( <--Do you see my sad face? Boo. Of course, very moving. Darn manipulative writers... (BTW, I loved it.) #317

Lydia K said...

Oh, that's too sad!

bridget said...

Such a horrible thought. Well excuted. Mine is #72

L'Aussie said...

Len this is wonderfully sad. Great writing. You've created such emotion in a few words.

Denise

Melissa Sarno said...

Oh, so sad :( You captured the moment really well, though.

The Golden Eagle said...

That is so sad. :(

Great flash fiction, though!

My entry.

Deniz Bevan said...

Aw, I wasn't expecting that ending. How sad!

J.L. Campbell said...

Having lived that reality, I could relate to the two parents giving in to their grief.

N.Scott said...

Ok...I feel like a real idiot saying this but I'm confused by the story. Two people are distraught, someone's left the room (perhaps metaphorically), their son was suffering. If I had to guess, she just had a stillborn but then that doesn't quite work. Why is she staring at her jeans and clasping her hands?

Sorry, I tried.

Amanda Milner said...

Oh wow, so sad!! This is my worst fear. :P You captured the mood and emotion well.

Len Lambert said...

Thank you for all the comments and for taking the time to read my campaigner piece :)

Melody said...

Hi Len,

It's been quite a while! I've been so busy but I missed blogging a lot. It's great to see yours again.
Hopefuly, I'll have more time to visits blogs again.

Great writing. Keep it up!!

BTW, due to family's request, I signed up on another blog: http://mheldz.posterous.com/transition#
It's no biggie..just normal stuff that goes on my crazy life :-D

TC!

Melody

Glynis said...

You worked this piece well, Len. You drew me into the sadness. The staring at jeans and hands summed up the feeling of uselessness and disbelief.

Not everyone screams and shouts when the death of a child happens. Some people cannot take it in. Sometimes there is no reaction. Your words brought a tingle over me.

CherylAnne Ham said...

Oh, that was so sad. The ending gave me chills. Great job infusing the story with so much emotion in such a short space.

Elaine AM Smith said...

Very sad. You captured a heart, or two, breaking. You packed a lot into 135 words.

Karen said...

Oh, so sad. A few months ago a family I know went through such a thing with their 7 yo. As a parent, it's always a hidden fear in the back of your head. You captured that feeling well.

Rachel Morgan said...

That is so heartbreaking! And you really managed to capture that in this short piece...

totsymae said...

Hello Fellow Campaigner,

Sad and moving story. But I can also feel the closeness of the couple.

Chuck Allen said...

Wow. This is a very emotional piece - especially for such a short word count. Well done!