Can you forgive?

Mood: Happy with my new laptop! Whoo-hoo!!!!

The question above doesn't want to invite any sort of preaching from any sort of religion. It is a simple question. I am not religious so this is not going to be about anything like that. This has got nothing to do with it at all so it is not necessary to give me quotes of anything from the Bible or from any other Holy Book, if you may. This has got something to do with what forgiveness really does inside of us psychologically, mentally and emotionally.

First of all, Dictionary.com says forgiveness is 'the act of excusing a mistake or offense.' I have been reading a lot of books on forgiveness, most of them are psychological books. I have been hurt for too many times by all kinds of people - some were dear to me, some were mere colleagues and some were just people who were insignificant really. Of course it hurts the most when it is someone close to your heart and someone you hold dear that does something horrible to you. Or someone very important in your life. If forgiveness is the 'act of excusing a mistake or offense,' does this mean we just have to keep ignoring the mistake? I don't think so. I've written something about burning bridges. I think this has got a lot to do with burning bridges as well. Forgiveness, in my view and from what I have gathered and read, is simply letting go. Letting the pain go and forgetting it, even if sometimes it means also forgetting the person to stop the pain. Forgiveness, for me, is letting the person be even if it means not wanting to have anything to do with that person for the rest of your life. Forgiveness means just accepting the situation or whatever happened and what will happen. For me, it is that good feeling in my heart, that feeling of 'maluwag sa dibdib' (God, I don't know how to translate this phrase in English!), it's that feeling when I wake up in the morning feeling good. Do you know that feeling? But it is not always easy to forgive. In my case, sometimes it takes years. My healing takes time as well. For others, it is easier and I find these people blessed, if not lucky, to be able to have that kind of attitude. I wish I could have that kind of attitude towards life. Just living, loving and letting go.

I have been thinking of an example of someone who has really annoyed me lately. It has been awhile since I got really irritated (of course that excludes the little irritations the hubby gives me, hehehe) I could only think of one. There was this woman who used to work in the company where I am working. She knows me and I know her. Although we were never friends, we knew each other's name (well, at least I know hers!). She left the company a few weeks after I joined. She joined a new company within the same area so I always get to see her - bump into her - at lunch time, in the morning on my way to work and in the afternoon on my way to catch the bus. Tell you what - she always ignores me! She never acknowledges my presence. I always said hello to her. I smiled. I winked. I waved. I tap danced. I even did a somersault. Nothing worked. She just ignores me. Like I don't exist. Naturally, I began to get annoyed. I started to have this irritation when I'd see her. So I stopped saying hello. I stopped smiling or winking or waving. I stopped the tap dance and the somersault. Nada. I stopped giving her any of my attention. But I hated her. For what? For ignoring me. For not making me feel important. For not giving me the attention I wanted. And I knew it was wrong. It was the ego in me that was doing this and making me feel this way. So this afternoon, on my way to the bus stop, I saw her again. But differently this time. I removed myself from the situation. I used the technique of becoming an observer in a situation and not being the actor in it. All my anger went. I didn't say hello to her. I just let go of the bad feeling. I started to think straight. Perhaps she didn't want to be friends, so what? Perhaps she is always in a hurry so she's just not bothered to greet anybody, so what? Why do I have to be offended? It has got nothing to do with me. She's not important. She's not significant in my life. So I just let it go.

I know situations are not as simple as this experience. Some people really hurt us badly....and sometimes it is hard to let go. It is hard to forgive. Believe me, I know. I have been there. To be honest, I am still in the process of letting go, of forgiving people and forgiving myself. I tried all sorts of stress-relievers to ease my pain and to relieve me from this gnawing feeling. It took awhile but it is working. I have now let go of a lot of anger in my heart and I feel happier.

I specifically said that this has got nothing to do with religion because no religion helped me in this process. I just realised that it is unhealthy to be angry. It is affecting all of me. My anger doesn't affect the subjects of my anger but affects me, my loved ones, everybody around me. Remember the last time you got really mad? Think about it, why were you so angry? Was it really the situation that made you angry or did it only trigger your anger? Anger can be deeply-seated. Anger can build up inside you without you knowing it. It is like energy, it is like steam that needs to get out. That's why forgiveness is letting go. Let all the steam go. Let all the negative energy go. Even if it takes time.

There is only one person who knows if you have truly forgiven the people who have hurt you.

And that is you.

Do you burn bridges?

Mood: Tired (Just finished doing DIY)

My question is not literal of course. By 'burning bridges,' I mean ending relationships - for example friendship? Or maybe ending any form of communication with an acquaintance, a colleague or someone you know or even a relative perhaps? Well, of course, I wouldn't know your answer. Me? Do I burn bridges? Yes. And I have. I even had to cut off all forms of communications with a cousin. Why? You ask. Because sometimes it is the best thing to do, in my best judgment, for both parties.

In life, people come and go. The way I look at life, I see chapters. In each chapter, we meet people and build friendships. Some friends stay, some leave. With some, we create memorable - even beautiful - memories. With some, the memories become bitter and at times, painful. In my experience, when it becomes too painful and too difficult for me to bear - I end it. When a friendship is no longer a friendship, when I don't think I am still growing as a person and when it is turning me into a monster instead of making me a better person, then I call it quits.

I am not a mean, insensitive, cruel human being. In fact, it is not to toot my own horn, but to state a fact, I give what I can give when it comes to friendship. Friendship, for me, is a very deep word. Friends are like my second family. People who you can run to when the world has turned away from you...in the same way that these are people who can run to you when the world has turned away from them. So when this changes, it becomes really difficult. When you are no longer 'in synch' with the person, when you are no longer in the same wave length...then I think it is time to move on.

This reminds me of a cousin who I loved so dearly when we were little girls. She lived in the countryside and I lived in the city. We wrote to each other and we were bestfriends. When finally we met, we were so ecstatic and we did almost everything together. Then that changed. I changed. She changed. Over the next few years, I tried to synchronize myself with her and to follow her wave length. But one day, I just got fed up. I got really, extremely, angry. I was drained. All hopes gone. I said the most horrible things - horrible things that, up to now, I still do not regret saying. I am not proud of what I have done but I still think she deserved them. That was about four years ago if I am not mistaken. I still think I did the right thing by ending it all. I didn't want to have anything to do with her and I still feel the same. I still believe it was the right thing to do. Another cousin once asked me, 'Te Len, please forgive her.' My heart melted. It was time to look back, 'Have I forgiven her, really?' Yes, I have. There was no longer anger in my heart. I was able to let it go and living my life away from all the bad memories helped a lot. As my better half always says, 'They are just tiny dots from afar. They are no longer here. They can no longer hurt you.' He is right. What happened four years ago doesn't hurt me any more. I have forgiven the person. But I still think that what happened was for the best. I wish her well but I no longer wish for her to be part of my life or me to be part of hers. I am better off without her. I am a better person without her.

So, yes, I do burn bridges when I think it is the most logical thing to do. I keep the bridge burned for years. But I keep my doors open. If a time comes, when the bridge can be rebuilt, if it is at all possible, then I am ready for that change as well. But that is, IF the time ever comes.