I'm a mushy mum

You know this already...I'm a mum.  And a mushy mum.  I don't know why but I'm just a darn softie.  You show me someone crying and my tears will fall, too.  To be honest, I don't like it.  But that's just the way my eyes are and the tear ducts.

Ok, Len, get to the point, will yah?

So, I just have to share this photo with you.  It's of my son holding a soft toy from Father Christmas at Fritton Lake Winter Wonderland.

Because of his neurological condition, my boy doesn't speak and he's in a wheelchair.  In Santa's Grotto, Father Christmas spoke to him, held his hand and had photos with him.  He just looked around and I knew the scene would be etched in his memory forever but whether or not he understood what went on, I wouldn't have a way of knowing. All the while, I wondered if he understood any of it.  When one of Santa's "Elves" gave me Santa's gift - a soft toy called Rupert Bear on the way out, I handed it to my boy.  As if to answer the question in my mind - he softly got hold of the soft toy, pulled it close to his chest and pressed it against his lips.

You know what?  The sight of him clutching the toy made me so tearful.  He loved it.  In his own way I knew he enjoyed the trip.  And he loved Rupert.

Here's his beautiful photo.  Isn't he lovely?

And I just have to say this, the man who was Father Christmas that afternoon at Fritton Lake was the kindest Father Christmas I've met so far.  If you are reading this, thank you.  I've taken your kind words home with me.

And thank you most especially to Contact-A-Family for this early Christmas family gift. (I meant to post this bit the day I posted my son's photo but needed permission first)

Anything exciting you're doing this for the winter/holiday/Christmas season?


and what makes you all mushy?

Blogvolution

There is no such word.  I've invented it.  It means evolution of a blog - Blogvolution.  Hhmmm, doesn't sound right, does it?  Sounds more like blog revolution.  But never mind.  Ok, so what's with the title, you ask.  Well, I thought I'd write something about the changes in my blog since some friends who have been my followers and readers (some lurk and just read my posts and not commenting which I really appreciate) have began to wonder what's happened to this blog of mine.

You see, Conversations with Self began as an on-line journal sometime in 2006-2007 when I moved to the United Kingdom from The Philippines.  It was to keep my friends abreast on what's going on with my life.  It was easier than e-mailing each one of them, then I began to meet blogger friends so my blogging changed.  I started to write my thoughts out, at times writing seriously.  Those who are close to me have always known my love to write and I'm sure they are not surprised to see that my blog has evolved from writing the mundane to writing about books, chats with authors and writers and what's new in the writing world.  Of course I still write about life in general and life experiences, I cannot separate that at all.  After all, it's my life I'm writing about.  Now, why am I writing this?  It's to purposely mention the changes in my blog and to let my blog friends and readers out there know that the reason why I have not opened a new blog for my writing career is that I cannot keep more than one blog at a time.  I tried but I ended up deactivating my additional two blogs.  Maybe one day when I'm ready, I will open a fresh blog account, but not right now.

Yes, my darlings.  That's what's happened to this blog.  It just changed a little bit...ok, ok, maybe not a little bit but evolved hugely *laughter* but, hey, it's still me blogging.  I still write about life, about the little things, but mostly, I post more on writing because it's what I love the most.  I hope I don't bore you when I do.  I promise I will try to make it sound interesting *winks*

And to you, my fellow bloggers and writers, do you have more than one blog?  How do you keep them up-to-date both or all at the same time?  As a writer, would you recommend or suggest that I open a fresh one?

A glass of red wine with Julie and Julia

The weekend has come and gone!  It's been raining at this side of the world, but I never let the weather put me down.  Saturday night, while it was pouring down with rain outside, I was warm in my blanket and had a glass of red wine in front of my laptop, watching Julie and Julia.  Awhile back, I have read somewhere that it is a good film so when my husband and I went to Asda Saturday afternoon, I headed to the DVD shop and finally got it! (And just want to throw this in - I ate rubbish yesterday, too - McDonald's!  Is that too bad?)

If you haven't seen it yet, go and get a DVD because it is absolutely inspiring.  Merryl Streep was superb!  And Amy Adams, too!  I love how Paul (Julia's husband) told her how amazing her book is and that is a book of genius and that it is a book that will change the world!!!  That scene was so endearing.  Julie's husband wasn't so bad himself, ever so supportive of Julie all the time, even in her madness.

Yes, I liked the film so much.  And I felt really sad that Julie never met Julia.  And Julia never really knew what effect she had on Julie and how she turned her life around.  Tonight, I surfed the net and looked for anything written about Julie and Julia and came across Julie's blog!!! Yes, her real blog!!! The blog that was on the film!  I got so excited so I am now sharing it with you.

Here's the link:  The Julie/Julia Project .

Hope you enjoy it...and the film, too.  Because I did.

Have a great Monday, everyone!!!!

Loving Horning

Note: This post is dedicated to 4 special women in my life: my sister, Jeen and my two Ninangs, Jill and Ruby and my Nanay. Wish you were with me to enjoy this place.

Have you been to a place in England called Horning? If you haven't, you should come and see. It is a small beautiful village with stunning country houses and if you go near the small lake (dike), you wouldn't want to leave the place...it is just picturesque.

I'm sharing with you some photos I've taken with my husband. Forgive me for lack of lighting, it was sunset when I was taking the photos and my old digital camera was playing up. I didn't realise they weren't that good until I saw them on my computer.

I won't say much on this post as the pictures speak for themselves.  I will take some new photos today and make sure they are better ones then post them again for you all to see.

Winter Blues

Mood: Blah.
I have been under the weather for a couple of weeks now. Blocked nose, queasiness. I feel like I'm coming down with a flu. Yesterday I had a temperature and I felt so weak. I feel drained. I don't know what it is really.
I don't know if it's got to do with the weather and the temperature or the lack of sunlight but lately I've been feeling the blues. Even my husband has got it I think because we had a row twice last month. I'm beginning to worry now. Husband never ever had a mood as bad as these last two. Because we are both, as he calls it - 'strong-minded', we both ended up drained. Of course I ended up crying. Why do I always have to be the one who cries? I think I should stop that.
Anyway, I hope things get better. I don't like it. It's not nice. When my husband gets really annoyed and angry and says things he doesn't mean, I can see all love going away. I don't know if you feel that but I do. In the same way that I feel when my Mum gets very angry at me. I feel all love going away. I feel only anger. I feel all the negative energy around me and inside me. And it drains me. Sometimes I feel like going to sleep after crying so hard and after getting very very upset.

I've been reading the book 'Rules of Life' by Richard Templar. Rule No 11 says 'Be the last to raise your voice'...it's got a point, good point but it's too difficult to follow. Sometimes the only way to point something out is to raise your voice or the only way for someone to listen to you is to shout. I know, I know, most of the time it gets nowhere. I think I should just keep my mouth shut if I feel like there's an impending argument. Or some grumpiness is imminent. Count to 10. I've heard this before, I should know better!

So, yes, I am having the blues. I guess husband is also having it. I hope it goes soon. It doesn't help me when I get the blues. It just makes me feel so fed up of everything...of life most of all.

My cold is going. Temperature has gone down. Hubby made me a hot pea and ham soup on Friday morning when I was ill. So I think things are getting better.

I hope the weather also gets better. I like winter but I don't think it likes me the same way?

Are you ready for winter?

Mood: Glad it's Saturday!

If you are in the Philippines, you are probably experiencing rain right now. In America, some of my friends say it's now getting chilly. Here where I am, it varies each day. Today, although it is sunny, the wind is quite cold. I can no longer wear a plain T-shirt just to put rubbish in the bin out of the door. I have to wear something thick.

So, are you ready for another big freeze? I am no longer dreading winter like two years ago. In fact, I am looking forward to wearing boots, gloves and coat. I have now learned how to layer my clothing. I have learned that if I wear layered thin tops, rather than a single thick jumper, I will be warmer. So, I want to think I am ready for the big freeze this year. I like feeling the cold wind on my skin. As long as I'm all bundled up, I don't mind. In fact, for some reason, it helps me to get rid of my headache when it is cold. I just go out, get some cold fresh air and in half an hour, my headache is gone. Without paracetamols. Or Aspirin. So, I am not really worried about it being cold. What I am dreading is the effect of not seeing the sun much. It is the winter blues I am worried about. Hopefully, it will not be as bad as when I first came to England more than two years ago. I think the trick is to keep your mind off it. Perhaps it's more psychological. Perhaps if my mind gets busy, I will be OK. I was better last year. I didn't cry much. I didn't get stroppy much. And hubby said I was a lot better so I guess I will believe it.

This year, I hope that the lesser amount of sunlight entering my eyes don't affect me much. I am looking forward to taking photographs and capturing winter memories once again. I am looking forward to walking on snowy pathways and look back at my footprints in the snow. Yes, I know, I am shallow. But winter, to me, is another beautiful season. So, yes, I want to look forward to it.

Ummmm, errrr, I mean, I am looking forward to it.

Am I addicted?

Mood: In a very happy mood today. It is getting cold but I don't know why, I like it. Ha! I've got some sort of illness. No, maybe it isn't that bad. Perhaps it's a syndrome. Yes, maybe that's what one may call it. Wait. No, it's not that serious really. Wait. Yes, I think it is. Maybe it's some sort of an addiction. But nothing serious. Just a little bit. Yes, maybe that's it. Okay, okay, woman, stop beating around the bush! Just say it! Alright, alright. Here's the thing. I think I am addicted to books. Yes, I am getting worried about it now. Or am I really? No, not worried-worried, just concerned-worried. Some say each one of us has some kind of an obsessive-compulsive behaviour. With some people, it is quite obvious but with some, it doesn't show very much. So perhaps mine doesn't show very much. Or perhaps it does if you would look at my bank account and you see how often I go to the bookshop!!! You see, when I go to a bookshop, almost without fail, I always buy a book that I like. Then when I get home, I put it by my bedside and read the 'Introduction' or the 'Acknowledgments' but never really get to reading the book. The book is put to one side, I go back to the bookshop again when I get the chance, see something that I like and almost with a feeling of some urgent need, I buy a new book, get home and the same thing happens. 'Ey, don't get me wrong. I do get to read some of them, after awhile, then really finish them from cover to cover...but it takes awhile for me to do that. So the books pile up. Hubby did not let me carry all of my books back home and I agreed as they were too heavy to put in my luggage. But over the last two years, the books that I have got here in England have piled up. I have noticed a few days ago that they have just accumulated so badly that the bookshelf that I have in the bedroom isn't enough anymore to hold them all. So some of them have to stay in a box by the bed. So, tell me, is this some sort of a syndrome that I need to see a Doctor for? Seriously, I am not worried. Because the books that I get are really good. I think this is something that got carried over from college. Yes, maybe. Maybe I'm a bookworm. No, I don't think so. Am I? Oh, God! No, I'm not! Hhhmmmm....I think I better stop writing down my thoughts or you might think I'm nuts! But before I go...would you like to have a look at the bookshelf I told you about? Here's a preview:

Like I told you, the books are almost everywhere so I now have to keep some of them in a box next to my bed. Here they are:

A special PS: To my friends - please do not worry. The truth is I haven't been to the bookshop for a month now. Plus - I don't have a credit card so I am not putting myself into debt for the sake of books. Just thought I'd write something funny today.

PS 2: But the photos are real.

When will I see you again?

We had to let our old Skoda Felicia go. It was a 10-year old car and we had it only for 2 and a half years but it became so dear to me and my husband. Yes, it's one of those mushy days for me again. It was our first car together and our first property after getting married. It took us to a lot of places - from all places in Norfolk to Lancashire, The Lake District, Yorkshire and back.

For the last 12 months, it's been having problems of all sorts. Then recently, the suspension collapsed. It was dangerous to drive and expensive to repair. So, hubby and I talked about it and decided to just give the good old car up and get a new one. It's just like my old computer 3 months ago, isn't it? Giving up something that's been there for quite awhile isn't easy. But sometimes you have to.

You know what? If I had the money, just if, you know what I would do? I'd have our little red Skoda repaired, all re-apholstered, cleaned, re-painted and everything else to make it look new again. But, then, I didn't have that kind of money, did I?

So, goodbye to you, our dear little old red Skoda....thank you for taking me to work for more than 2 years, for taking us safely to The Lake District on my birthday this year...and for all those times you sheltered us from the rain in Mundesley.

Remember these shoes?

Remember these beautiful red shoes that I was supposed to wear to the Summer Ball not too long ago? I finally wore them! We went to a banquet a few weeks ago. I totally forgot to tell you about it. I know, I know, you want to hear if they killed my feet. No, not really. Surprisingly, they were comfortable. I got home with a smile on my face, yes, because I could still walk after wearing them! Ha!

Born for each other

Do you remember David Pomeranz? He is a singer that became really popular in the Philippines a few years ago. I remember him having a concert with Sharon Cuneta and also guesting in Sharon's show. I don't find him exceptionally good but there is one song that he sang that I really really like. I have been listening to romantic music lately. No, I haven't taken any romantic pills lately but for some reason, this song keeps playing in my head. I keep thinking of getting married all over again to my husband and dancing a slow dance with him once again with all our friends and family looking, in the soft, lovely tune of David Pomeranz's Born For You. You know why I love the song? It's because every word of it seems to match the things that I want to say to my husband every day. Imagine the odds of the two of us meeting! I was halfway across the world and really, it seemed that the powers of the Universe conspired for us to meet - yes, exactly what the song says! That was five years ago when we met. ..and 3 months from now, hubby and I will be celebrating our 3rd Year Wedding Anniversary. It seems almost yesterday when we got married. Now we're turning 3! I didn't want to wait for December to sing this to my better half, so here's my favourite song for you, dear husband! Mwah! Born For You David Pomeranz Too many billion people Running around the planet What is the chance in heaven That you'd find your way to me Tell me what is this sweet sensation It's a miracle that's happened Though I searched for an explanation Only one thing it could be That I was born for you It was written in the stars Yes I was born for you And the choice was never ours It's as if the powers of the universe Conspired to make you mine And till the day I die I blessed the day that I was born for you Too many foolish people Trying to come between us None of them seems to matter When I looked into your eyes Now I know why I belong here In your arms I found the answer Somehow nothing would seemed so wrong here If they'd only realized That I was born for you And that you were born for me And in this random world This was clearly meant to be What we have the world Could never understand Or ever take away And till the day I die I blessed the day that I was born for you What we have the world Could never understand Or ever take away And as the years go by Until the day I die I blessed the day that I was born for you

Can you forgive?

Mood: Happy with my new laptop! Whoo-hoo!!!!

The question above doesn't want to invite any sort of preaching from any sort of religion. It is a simple question. I am not religious so this is not going to be about anything like that. This has got nothing to do with it at all so it is not necessary to give me quotes of anything from the Bible or from any other Holy Book, if you may. This has got something to do with what forgiveness really does inside of us psychologically, mentally and emotionally.

First of all, Dictionary.com says forgiveness is 'the act of excusing a mistake or offense.' I have been reading a lot of books on forgiveness, most of them are psychological books. I have been hurt for too many times by all kinds of people - some were dear to me, some were mere colleagues and some were just people who were insignificant really. Of course it hurts the most when it is someone close to your heart and someone you hold dear that does something horrible to you. Or someone very important in your life. If forgiveness is the 'act of excusing a mistake or offense,' does this mean we just have to keep ignoring the mistake? I don't think so. I've written something about burning bridges. I think this has got a lot to do with burning bridges as well. Forgiveness, in my view and from what I have gathered and read, is simply letting go. Letting the pain go and forgetting it, even if sometimes it means also forgetting the person to stop the pain. Forgiveness, for me, is letting the person be even if it means not wanting to have anything to do with that person for the rest of your life. Forgiveness means just accepting the situation or whatever happened and what will happen. For me, it is that good feeling in my heart, that feeling of 'maluwag sa dibdib' (God, I don't know how to translate this phrase in English!), it's that feeling when I wake up in the morning feeling good. Do you know that feeling? But it is not always easy to forgive. In my case, sometimes it takes years. My healing takes time as well. For others, it is easier and I find these people blessed, if not lucky, to be able to have that kind of attitude. I wish I could have that kind of attitude towards life. Just living, loving and letting go.

I have been thinking of an example of someone who has really annoyed me lately. It has been awhile since I got really irritated (of course that excludes the little irritations the hubby gives me, hehehe) I could only think of one. There was this woman who used to work in the company where I am working. She knows me and I know her. Although we were never friends, we knew each other's name (well, at least I know hers!). She left the company a few weeks after I joined. She joined a new company within the same area so I always get to see her - bump into her - at lunch time, in the morning on my way to work and in the afternoon on my way to catch the bus. Tell you what - she always ignores me! She never acknowledges my presence. I always said hello to her. I smiled. I winked. I waved. I tap danced. I even did a somersault. Nothing worked. She just ignores me. Like I don't exist. Naturally, I began to get annoyed. I started to have this irritation when I'd see her. So I stopped saying hello. I stopped smiling or winking or waving. I stopped the tap dance and the somersault. Nada. I stopped giving her any of my attention. But I hated her. For what? For ignoring me. For not making me feel important. For not giving me the attention I wanted. And I knew it was wrong. It was the ego in me that was doing this and making me feel this way. So this afternoon, on my way to the bus stop, I saw her again. But differently this time. I removed myself from the situation. I used the technique of becoming an observer in a situation and not being the actor in it. All my anger went. I didn't say hello to her. I just let go of the bad feeling. I started to think straight. Perhaps she didn't want to be friends, so what? Perhaps she is always in a hurry so she's just not bothered to greet anybody, so what? Why do I have to be offended? It has got nothing to do with me. She's not important. She's not significant in my life. So I just let it go.

I know situations are not as simple as this experience. Some people really hurt us badly....and sometimes it is hard to let go. It is hard to forgive. Believe me, I know. I have been there. To be honest, I am still in the process of letting go, of forgiving people and forgiving myself. I tried all sorts of stress-relievers to ease my pain and to relieve me from this gnawing feeling. It took awhile but it is working. I have now let go of a lot of anger in my heart and I feel happier.

I specifically said that this has got nothing to do with religion because no religion helped me in this process. I just realised that it is unhealthy to be angry. It is affecting all of me. My anger doesn't affect the subjects of my anger but affects me, my loved ones, everybody around me. Remember the last time you got really mad? Think about it, why were you so angry? Was it really the situation that made you angry or did it only trigger your anger? Anger can be deeply-seated. Anger can build up inside you without you knowing it. It is like energy, it is like steam that needs to get out. That's why forgiveness is letting go. Let all the steam go. Let all the negative energy go. Even if it takes time.

There is only one person who knows if you have truly forgiven the people who have hurt you.

And that is you.

Do you burn bridges?

Mood: Tired (Just finished doing DIY)

My question is not literal of course. By 'burning bridges,' I mean ending relationships - for example friendship? Or maybe ending any form of communication with an acquaintance, a colleague or someone you know or even a relative perhaps? Well, of course, I wouldn't know your answer. Me? Do I burn bridges? Yes. And I have. I even had to cut off all forms of communications with a cousin. Why? You ask. Because sometimes it is the best thing to do, in my best judgment, for both parties.

In life, people come and go. The way I look at life, I see chapters. In each chapter, we meet people and build friendships. Some friends stay, some leave. With some, we create memorable - even beautiful - memories. With some, the memories become bitter and at times, painful. In my experience, when it becomes too painful and too difficult for me to bear - I end it. When a friendship is no longer a friendship, when I don't think I am still growing as a person and when it is turning me into a monster instead of making me a better person, then I call it quits.

I am not a mean, insensitive, cruel human being. In fact, it is not to toot my own horn, but to state a fact, I give what I can give when it comes to friendship. Friendship, for me, is a very deep word. Friends are like my second family. People who you can run to when the world has turned away from you...in the same way that these are people who can run to you when the world has turned away from them. So when this changes, it becomes really difficult. When you are no longer 'in synch' with the person, when you are no longer in the same wave length...then I think it is time to move on.

This reminds me of a cousin who I loved so dearly when we were little girls. She lived in the countryside and I lived in the city. We wrote to each other and we were bestfriends. When finally we met, we were so ecstatic and we did almost everything together. Then that changed. I changed. She changed. Over the next few years, I tried to synchronize myself with her and to follow her wave length. But one day, I just got fed up. I got really, extremely, angry. I was drained. All hopes gone. I said the most horrible things - horrible things that, up to now, I still do not regret saying. I am not proud of what I have done but I still think she deserved them. That was about four years ago if I am not mistaken. I still think I did the right thing by ending it all. I didn't want to have anything to do with her and I still feel the same. I still believe it was the right thing to do. Another cousin once asked me, 'Te Len, please forgive her.' My heart melted. It was time to look back, 'Have I forgiven her, really?' Yes, I have. There was no longer anger in my heart. I was able to let it go and living my life away from all the bad memories helped a lot. As my better half always says, 'They are just tiny dots from afar. They are no longer here. They can no longer hurt you.' He is right. What happened four years ago doesn't hurt me any more. I have forgiven the person. But I still think that what happened was for the best. I wish her well but I no longer wish for her to be part of my life or me to be part of hers. I am better off without her. I am a better person without her.

So, yes, I do burn bridges when I think it is the most logical thing to do. I keep the bridge burned for years. But I keep my doors open. If a time comes, when the bridge can be rebuilt, if it is at all possible, then I am ready for that change as well. But that is, IF the time ever comes.

How do we live without a mobile phone???

Mood: Not too bad.

Imagine the world without the use of computers or the internet. Without the satellite navigator when you are driving. Without the CCTV cameras all around you. Without the telephone - and oh yes! Without the mobile phone! Can you imagine leaving the house without checking your bag or your pocket and asking, 'Have I got my mobile phone with me?' For most, it is quite difficult to imagine.

Wikipedia says that it was in 1978 that a trial of the first commercial cellular was launched. Click here to find out more.

I grew up without a mobile phone. In fact, it was only when I was in college and a few years after that I noticed its existence. Shortly before the year 2000, I bought my first-ever mobile phone. I am never without it since then. Now I have been thinking, what would I do without a mobile phone? Hhhhhmmm...how's my lunchtime going to be without it? I would probably be reading books at lunch, instead of texting away! If I didn't have it, I would probably be always worrying about my family in the Philippines because it wouldn't be that easy to make contact. Perhaps, without a mobile phone, life is simpler but less convenient. Technology never ceases to amaze me and that includes mobile phones. I don't keep changing my mobile to the most advanced and the latest models in the market all the time. I am quite satisfied with the simple functions like just texting, phoning and storing names, numbers and addresses. With my family away from me, I cannot imagine living without a mobile phone. It is an essential for me. But maybe it is just me, really. Maybe I just think it is essential. Maybe I can live without it. Oh, well.

...On witches and gits

Mood: Blah I have learned that we meet certain people in life to learn something. I have also learned that when we meet the most difficult people with behaviour that is totally and absolutely out of synch with ours, it means we have to learn something big and learn it the hard way. Needless to say, I have met nasty, arrogant, domineering people who scare the hell out of me. I do not know how to handle them. I worry that if I am unable to handle them or deal with them, I might just walk out or worse, I might lose my temper - which is very likely - and end up going nuts! I feel like a child scared of the monster under her bed. I feel like I am not in control. For me, they are like my teachers in grade school who brought my life so much terror that if I had my way, I wouldn't have gone to school at all. In my quest to find a solution to get rid of this senseless fear of, should we call them - people behaving like Kings and Queens of the Earth - I found a technique that is absolutely and hilariously effective! Interested to know? Okay, okay, calm down. Don't get overly excited. I will tell you. When I was a child - and even in my adulthood I suppose - I used to see these horrible people as giants. Simply put, bigger than me. I know that in the physical world, they are not. But I used to look at them as huge creatures, so much bigger than me. Therefore, also stronger and more powerful. Because of this illusion, I was always (or maybe still am?) horrified of them. They are like giant Cruela de Vils and huge Lex Luthors. Now, I have learned, that by using my imagination, I can decrease their size. Because of this discovery of my own power, I make them as small as I can make them. I make them like a dwarf (or dwarves). The voice also becomes really really small. By reading books in psychology, I have learned that these people have overwhelming insecurities they cannot handle so they want to dominate and overpower people. They show this by displaying a fiery temper, raising their voices, body language to show that they are in control, tapping the table - for example - to emphasise something to show arrogance and force and other nasty tactics to make you feel smaller than them. If in my eyes, I see them as people a lot bigger than I am, this display of power is frightening and often appalling. But if they are smaller than I am, then they can throw tantrums, cough fire or even run amuck, they can do whatever they want, it will only look comical. I have tested this and it worked! It actually worked! There was this woman at work who used to scare me to death! Now I just imagine her so much smaller and the thought of her screaming in front of me or over the telephone now no longer bothers me. She has now become, in my own Universe, so miniscule that her existence in my life is insignificant. I have just started doing the same technique with the other witches and gits around me. Try it! It works! In conclusion, if these people are in our lives to teach us something...I think that maybe...it should be to discover how to make them disappear? Hhhhmmmm....that's an idea.

So little time...

Mood: Tired.

For some reason, I was extremely tired yesterday. I didn't know why. I was supposed to write some letters for the housing association, solicitor, etc., etc. (I am my better half's Executive Secretary) but I explained to hubby that I needed to rest early. At half past 9 at night, I was asleep. Very unusual for a night person like me who can watch 3 consecutive films in one night (I should have tried getting a job in the film industry...or a film review board perhaps???) or read a book until the wee hours of the morning. Tonight, I don't feel too bad. I feel kind of lazy but alright. I have the I-want-to-just-lay-down-for-a-bit-and-do-nothing kind of feeling. Sometimes I feel there is so much to do and work seems to go on forever and ever and ever, even when I get home. Dishes. Laundry. Hoovering. Paperwork. Cooking...err, I don't do much and the microwave does a lot of help...yes, I know microwaves are not always healthy but there you go.

Well, such is life. How do I deal with it? Simple. I don't do any of them. Look at my kitchen! I have the makings of a first-rate slob! Luckily, my husband doesn't complain - nor throw pillows around the room - thank God - when things don't get done. He tries to help me but most things I prefer to do myself. Don't ask me why, maybe it's a disorder of some sort.

A friend of mine, Anne, who is one of the busiest people I know, often tells me the things that she wants to do but cannot seem to have enough time to do them. I always hear myself telling her to slow down and give herself some credit for being a good Mum and being able to juggle all three jobs at the same time (Yes, three jobs! I cannot imagine it myself!)! But now look at me, feeling almost miserable not being able to do all these things I want to do at home and things that I want to get over and done with. Even the manuscript that I have started suddenly came to a stop and I cannot seem to get the Chapter 2 done - (Friend Wen, heeellllpp!!!) ***SIGH***

Well, we can only do so much. There is time for everything. A time to work and a time to do the dishes. A time to write and a time to do the laundry. But most of all, it's time for bed!

Ho-huuummm!!! Have a restful sleep tonight, dear friends!

When we went into a church, we didn't burn...

Mood: Calm.

Tendencies: None at the moment. Yipeee!

This is St Michael & All Angels’ Church in Hawkshead.

No, hubby and I didn’t burn and to think we haven’t been into one for a very very long time.

An Anti-Climax

I have just experienced a terrible anti-climax last night. Husband and I will not be going to the summer ball! What? You say to me. After all the time and effort...and the money that you have spent preparing for it, you are not going??? Yes, I am not. I don't know whose fault it is. My mind is not working at the moment. Husband received a text message from work asking him to report today and instead of texting back to say that he has specifically requested for a day off on Saturday, he insisted that he is going to work!!!

Yes, folks, I had to sit back and control myself last night and this morning!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

What is this about, you say. Well, this is about the last two weeks that I was so excited getting ready for a summer ball that was supposed to be tonight. I was so excited that I spent all my lunch hours at work looking for the right top, the right dress, the right make-up, the right everything! Only to be told last night, at the last minute, that we were not going.

I went berserk. I felt like a bride listening to her groom saying that there won't be any wedding! For God's sake, what a hassle! How did I handle my anger? Terrible. Really terrible. I now feel like I am such a horrible person. My better half has a very good way of making you feel even worse after he's disappointed you. Instead of making amends, he ignored me and did not talk to me. Tell you what, if this wasn't just a ball, I would have left the house with a thought of not coming back! That's just how angry I am at the moment.

So, again, whilst I am at it, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

The theme of the summer ball tonight was RED. I bought this red purse two weeks ago for the event.

The red shoes that I wouldn't be able to return to the shop because I just love 'em.

The make up that almost cost a fortune! Who wouldn't get absolutely mad???

So what do I do now? Sulk? No way! I'm going to Norwich to go shopping! Hmp!

The Artist in Me...

I am no Picasso or Monet. But I love art. I used to think I was an artist. Or should I say, I believed I was. When I was younger, I was so creative. When I was in the 6th Grade, my Adviser would ask me to draw animals, people and things on her test papers for her kindergarten class. I enjoyed it. She offered to pay me for the effort but I never accepted it. I just liked doing it. There was always an adrenalin rush. Seeing the smile on my Adviser’s face each time I’d hand her my work would instantly take me to Cloud 9.

In High School, I made money out of designing bookmarks and birthday cards. In college, other students in our neighbourhood asked me to design covers of terms papers or prepare visual aids for their class reports. I remember carefully outlining the human anatomy on a large piece of ‘cartolina.’ I hold dear the memory of choosing the colours and the shades and making sure it was an excellent job I was doing. The feeling inside was extraordinary. It felt liberating. I cannot explain to you exactly how it felt but it was beautiful. I wanted to take Fine Arts but didn’t. My father said there was no money in it. He may be right. So I travelled a completely different road. Years passed. I’d still draw from time to time. I’d use charcoal to draw a face. I’d use ordinary pens when I’d try caricature. But the feeling was alarmingly diminishing. Slowly. The inspiration was going. I think it was dying.

A few years ago, I still had the inspiration to paint. In fact, I painted a garden in oil on canvas and I left it hanging on the wall at the entrance to my bedroom back home. That was the last time I ever did it. Then years after that, I realised that I have completely lost it. The artist in me has gone. It felt like I lost a part of myself. It dawned on me one night whilst James had gone to work. I took my pencils and my drawing pad. I took a beautiful postcard with a photograph of the Norwich Castle. I started to outline the castle on my pad. It all went wrong. My hand felt completely different, it wasn’t the hand that used to love to draw. The lines all went to the wrong directions making the drawing look absolutely awful. I crossed it out. Tried doing it again on another page. Then another. And another one. Then I just stopped. I looked up the ceiling. The phone rang. It was James. ‘Are you okay?’ He asked. ‘Yes, Love, I’m fine. I’m trying to draw something.’ I said. ‘But I couldn’t. I think I cannot do it again.’ I continued. James just chuckled. He didn’t take me seriously. Why would he? He never saw the artist in me. When I met him, I had already stopped painting. Although he saw the old painting I did a few years ago, it wasn’t very impressive. My husband never met that side of me. The side of me that rejoices inside just looking at the strokes of a painting or the child in me that admires the ingenuity of miniatures and dolls or how the artists created the smoke by use of cotton, colours and light to devise a realistic representation in museums. I don't think he ever noticed the glitter in my eyes as I'd study the structure of dollhouses and the tiny little things inside them or my excitement to look at the beauty of the colours of sunset. These all make me imagine myself capturing the shapes and colours on paper or canvas. That side of me that used to give me a lift, a certain ‘high.’

I left most of my stuff in the Philippines so when I came here last year, I didn’t have my art books with me. Somehow I miss them. I miss looking at those pictures. So I started buying art books again. I wanted it to come back. I wanted to look at the trees again and see their outline and imagine what shades of green to use if I use watercolour or oil or pastels…I want that adrenalin rush again. I want the inspiration again. I want it so badly that the books are piling up.

Then right after my birthday this year (May), having been to the Lake District, I felt a sudden rush of inspiration. For some reason, having seen illustrations and works of Beatrix Potter (Beatrix Potter is an English author and Illustrator who created Peter Rabbit. To learn more about her, please click here) gave me a sudden flow of excitement to draw again, to do what I love to do. No, I do not dream of being a famous painter. I just love art. Full stop. I don’t paint perfectly and I think sometimes my sketches suck big time. But to be able to do it again makes me happier and makes me enjoy life even more. I believe that inside each of us is an artist waiting to come out. It just takes that tiny bit of inspiration, that flow of excitement, that feeling that makes your imagination run wild. I believe with my whole heart that each person can look up in the sky, see the clouds and imagine those shapes that resemble life on earth. I sometimes look at the patterns of a flooring at work or our carpet in the lounge at home and those tiny lines that look invisible without close examination come to life. Somehow I get them connected and in my mind make a picture of a face of a woman or a child or a man. Sometimes the curves become a tree or a beautiful farmhouse. My imagination is weird, I know, but I love it that way.

I don’t know what just happened to me at the Lake District, but this reminds me of what Rheuben (my husband’s best friend who lives in Preston) said to me about the beautiful place. He said, ‘Len, that will be the most beautiful place you will ever visit. It is a magical place. I don’t know how to describe it to you but I think it’s magic being there.’

I think I’ve experienced just that.

Magic.

But even that is an understatement.

The top photo is inspired by my little boy's lovely photograph. The photo below is a glimpse of my bedroom.

Do Animals Grieve for their Dead?

It was Tuesday. Jim and I were walking down Prince of Wales Road. He came to Norwich to have lunch with me. We were walking past an old building when I saw three grey pigeons sheltered under a window ledge at the side of the building. The one right in the middle was dying. Jim and I stopped walking and looked at them. It seemed that the two pigeons were protecting the weak pigeon – from the cold or from predators, I wouldn’t know. But they were there. Then Jim and I proceeded to have lunch. On the way back to where I work, we saw the weak pigeon on its own. Dead. One of the two pigeons were a few feet away and it looked like it was mourning. Eyes closed and head bowed to its chest. It looked grieving. It looked sad. The other was nowhere in sight. This made me wonder - do animals grieve for their dead? I think they do. A few days ago, I watched a film called ‘March of the Penguins.’ Amazingly, penguins behave like human beings when caring for their young. Due to the cold weather in the Antarctic, most of their young do not survive. When one passes away, the mother grieves for it. It cries and stays with the body as if still hoping it’ll come back to life. Not too long ago, I read something in the paper about a gold fish trying to comfort another gold fish that was dying. The writer described how it stayed until the dying gold fish was finally dead. Do they have feelings as well? Do they know how to get sad? I always observe how animals behave and when I was watching ‘March of the Penguins,’ I realized one thing – that animals do not go against their nature. They just do what they are here for – mothers care for their young and fathers provide for them. As with the Penguins, fathers and mothers are monogamous – at least for a year – until it is time for them to part ways again. The father cares for the chick penguin when the mother goes away to find food. I like how they seem to show love to each other when they reunite after a few months hunting for food in the sea. I was in awe how they protect each other and how they know that together - they survive, but divided - they all die. It’s amazing that even animals know how to love…and know the importance of family and togetherness. …and yes, I do believe they grieve for their dead. PS: I did not take a photograph of the pigeons as I know you wouldn’t like it...because it was such a pitiful sight.

Imaginary Friends

I don't know why, but for some reason, I tend to reminisce a lot about my childhood these days. Last week, it was Caroline (my doll) I was reminiscing about so I wrote about broken toys and then somehow found a way to connect it to broken dreams, etc. This time, though, it's all about this part of my childhood when I had imaginary friends. If you witnessed my childhood, you would probably think I was a looney. But think...children do have imaginary friends, don't they? Or was it only me? (Widens eyes and looks around) Oh, no!

Anyway, let me tell you about some of these 'friends' that people never saw...or some probably did but never knew that they were my friends. One of them was that reflection in the mirror. yes, oh, yes, call me a nutcase, but I did talk to myself in the mirror! I would really converse with the other 'self.' And she talked back to me! Only, it was also me talking, of course, who did you think it was? I used to do this very often that I overheard my Dad saying to my Mom, 'Don't you think we should take our daughter to a Psychiatrist? I am getting worried.' My Mom, who was so used to seeing me talking to my toys, said nonchalantly, 'Oh stop that. She's just playing. Children do that all the time.'

Yes, I said toys. I did talk to my toys (although I didn't have much, really) - I remember talking to Caroline while she was behind that glass. What a pity. I could only talk to my doll behind a glass! (will post her story soon) I also talked to my paper dolls which I made myself. They lived in an improvised dollhouse. I used matchboxes as furniture and my dollhouse was a corrugated box, sometimes I used a cigarette carton. Ahh, a child's innovativeness. I wonder where did it all go? I don't seem to have the same creativity now that I am older. But that's another narrative. I think I can only produce rubbish now...and perhaps children?

Hold it. That's not all. There is something far more special than that beautiful (oh ha!) reflection in the mirror that looked like me (Har! Har Har!) and my dolls. There were lizards as well. Yes! That's right, those tiny crawling creatures with moderately elongate body and tapering tail...some might have another name for it, though. They are sometimes called wall or house lizards. Other times they are called house geckos. But let me just call it that. Lizard. At night, I developed this routine to converse with them before I fell asleep. There was one time, if I remember it right, when my Dad came home late from work. Remember that in those days, there were no mobile phones...(and telegrams came after a week, not the promised next day delivery...so if you'd send it, you'd arrive at your destination before your telegram). When Mom started to get worried, I would listen to the clicking sounds of the lizards. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I would close my eyes and converse with them. 'Is - my - fa - ther - safe?' One Tsk is equivalent to a syllable. Of course, I would interpret the Tsk-Tsk to what I wanted to hear, what did you expect? Funny, huh?

All these imaginary friends come to mind now that I am away from home. I have forgotten them a long, long time ago and never spoken to them for years - if I ever did that at my age, I would probably be in a mental institution.

Isn't it a universal truth that from the day we were born, we already have the need to communciate? A baby's uttering of its first word is always a milestone, a breakthrough that all mothers rejoice in. I have read somewhere that there was an experiment done by experts where they formed two groups of babies. The first group was cleaned and fed but no one ever communicated with them - verbally or otherwise. The second group was cleaned and fed...and carers communicated with these babies. After a period of time, it was discovered that the second group of babies grew faster and were healthier than the first group. This experiment only proves that we do need to communicate. It is this uniqueness that sets us apart from other creatures.

This is most probably the reason why I am writing this piece. There is the internet now to communicate to practically everyone and anyone in the world. My friend, Rosemarie, was right in telling me that blogging helps. It would like to thank her for being an inspiration to create my own blogsite...(and to Makis for introducing Blogger to me). It sure eases boredom and makes me think. It fills my need to communicate.

So, this time, I don't have to stand in front of the mirror or listen to the clicking sound of the house lizards (there isn't any here, anyway) or get dolls. I only have to sit down and immerse myself in the world wide web. It does help.

PS: I will understand if you think that at an early age, I showed signs of a mental disorder - talking to lizards and all - but don't worry, I don't bite. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!