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Can you forgive?

Mood: Happy with my new laptop! Whoo-hoo!!!!

The question above doesn't want to invite any sort of preaching from any sort of religion. It is a simple question. I am not religious so this is not going to be about anything like that. This has got nothing to do with it at all so it is not necessary to give me quotes of anything from the Bible or from any other Holy Book, if you may. This has got something to do with what forgiveness really does inside of us psychologically, mentally and emotionally.

First of all, Dictionary.com says forgiveness is 'the act of excusing a mistake or offense.' I have been reading a lot of books on forgiveness, most of them are psychological books. I have been hurt for too many times by all kinds of people - some were dear to me, some were mere colleagues and some were just people who were insignificant really. Of course it hurts the most when it is someone close to your heart and someone you hold dear that does something horrible to you. Or someone very important in your life. If forgiveness is the 'act of excusing a mistake or offense,' does this mean we just have to keep ignoring the mistake? I don't think so. I've written something about burning bridges. I think this has got a lot to do with burning bridges as well. Forgiveness, in my view and from what I have gathered and read, is simply letting go. Letting the pain go and forgetting it, even if sometimes it means also forgetting the person to stop the pain. Forgiveness, for me, is letting the person be even if it means not wanting to have anything to do with that person for the rest of your life. Forgiveness means just accepting the situation or whatever happened and what will happen. For me, it is that good feeling in my heart, that feeling of 'maluwag sa dibdib' (God, I don't know how to translate this phrase in English!), it's that feeling when I wake up in the morning feeling good. Do you know that feeling? But it is not always easy to forgive. In my case, sometimes it takes years. My healing takes time as well. For others, it is easier and I find these people blessed, if not lucky, to be able to have that kind of attitude. I wish I could have that kind of attitude towards life. Just living, loving and letting go.

I have been thinking of an example of someone who has really annoyed me lately. It has been awhile since I got really irritated (of course that excludes the little irritations the hubby gives me, hehehe) I could only think of one. There was this woman who used to work in the company where I am working. She knows me and I know her. Although we were never friends, we knew each other's name (well, at least I know hers!). She left the company a few weeks after I joined. She joined a new company within the same area so I always get to see her - bump into her - at lunch time, in the morning on my way to work and in the afternoon on my way to catch the bus. Tell you what - she always ignores me! She never acknowledges my presence. I always said hello to her. I smiled. I winked. I waved. I tap danced. I even did a somersault. Nothing worked. She just ignores me. Like I don't exist. Naturally, I began to get annoyed. I started to have this irritation when I'd see her. So I stopped saying hello. I stopped smiling or winking or waving. I stopped the tap dance and the somersault. Nada. I stopped giving her any of my attention. But I hated her. For what? For ignoring me. For not making me feel important. For not giving me the attention I wanted. And I knew it was wrong. It was the ego in me that was doing this and making me feel this way. So this afternoon, on my way to the bus stop, I saw her again. But differently this time. I removed myself from the situation. I used the technique of becoming an observer in a situation and not being the actor in it. All my anger went. I didn't say hello to her. I just let go of the bad feeling. I started to think straight. Perhaps she didn't want to be friends, so what? Perhaps she is always in a hurry so she's just not bothered to greet anybody, so what? Why do I have to be offended? It has got nothing to do with me. She's not important. She's not significant in my life. So I just let it go.

I know situations are not as simple as this experience. Some people really hurt us badly....and sometimes it is hard to let go. It is hard to forgive. Believe me, I know. I have been there. To be honest, I am still in the process of letting go, of forgiving people and forgiving myself. I tried all sorts of stress-relievers to ease my pain and to relieve me from this gnawing feeling. It took awhile but it is working. I have now let go of a lot of anger in my heart and I feel happier.

I specifically said that this has got nothing to do with religion because no religion helped me in this process. I just realised that it is unhealthy to be angry. It is affecting all of me. My anger doesn't affect the subjects of my anger but affects me, my loved ones, everybody around me. Remember the last time you got really mad? Think about it, why were you so angry? Was it really the situation that made you angry or did it only trigger your anger? Anger can be deeply-seated. Anger can build up inside you without you knowing it. It is like energy, it is like steam that needs to get out. That's why forgiveness is letting go. Let all the steam go. Let all the negative energy go. Even if it takes time.

There is only one person who knows if you have truly forgiven the people who have hurt you.

And that is you.

Animated Conversations

In animated conversation with Jemi, Orren and hubby. This photo was taken by my better half and I liked it. I like looking at how jolly I was that weekend. It's kind of nice to look at ourselves by detaching ourselves from the picture. It's like imagining you are not the person and just observing what actually happened. So by looking at this photo, I become a mere observer, not the actor, not the person in the picture.

I ate my words...

Mood: Very good mood indeed

My brother has been asking me to get him a Nokia N70. I always tell him off saying, 'Why do you want a phone like that??? Are you an executive??? What do you need an expensive mobile phone for? You get a phone for its features because you need them but if you don't, then sod the idea!'

You see, I have never really been a phone fanatic. I have always chosen the cheapest, most affordable phone available when getting one. I only need it for texting and voice calling. Nothing else, really. But then it happened. My good old friend Anne has been encouraging me to get a monthly subscription from a mobile phone network that works well in my area. For two years, I dismissed the idea. I thought it was always more economical to use 'pay-as-you-go' (in other countries including The Philippines, this is called 'pre-paid') and so I would get a £10 voucher regularly from the shop which I thought was making me save money. But I restricted myself so much that with 'pay-as-you-go', I couldn't phone my husband because it would cost me so much per phone call. I would pay for each use of the phone so it was very seldom that I ever used it for phoning people. But after summing it all up, I realised that I was actually spending as much as £50 each month and that only included texting! So I started to look at other offers. I found out that mobile phone companies offer to give you a free mobile phone, a monthly fee of as low as £15 giving you enough airtime minutes and texts for a month plus a surprisingly low rate for international texting, less that half of the text rate for 'pay-as-you-go'! I know that sometimes this could be deceiving so I inquired more. Then the best thing was right under my nose - the rates include VAT!

This, my friends, made me decide to get a Nokia N95 for free with a montly subscription of 1000 texts and 400 voice call minutes. Not bad for £30, eh? I ate my words. What do I need a N95 for? Am I an executive? Why didn't I sod the idea the first instance? I didn't need an expensive phone! Well, yeah, I am not an executive. I don't need the camera on my phone or the radio or the video facility. But it is free! So I grabbed it! Ha!

No, I haven't told my brother yet. If I do, he'll throw back at me my own words or worse, he'll ask me if he could have my N95. So I will keep it a secret for awhile. And yes, I do feel bad about it.

Revisiting London with Jemi

Mood: Still sleepy...it's Friday night and I will get the chance to sleep all morning tomorrow!!! Woo-hoo! My favourite day is Friday!!!

I have to tell you before you proceed that I am not a travel writer. I am not very good at describing places. I think I do not give them enough justice. I cannot seem to find the perfect adjectives to describe a place. I always check the on-line dictionary and thesaurus just to find the right words. So bear with me, I beg you.

On my birthday last year, hubby took me to London - for the first time. I was in awe. It was a long-time dream to see The Houses of Parliament and The Buckingham Palace (although during my first few months here, I kept calling it 'The Birmingham Palace'). But we were pressed for time last year. So this year, with my dear friend Jemima and her hubby Orren, hubby and I went to visit London again....and this time we went on a cruise!

How exciting it was! It was like visiting the place for the first time again. This time I got to see St Paul's Cathedral up close and I was able to take a proper photograph of the Westwinster Abbey. Plus - I took photos of me and Jemi with the Big Ben and The Houses of parliament behind us!!! This time we were not so pressed for time - although we still felt we were because we wanted to do so much and go to so many places all in one day but of course, we couldn't. London looks like a giant city to me, everything seems to be huge! We still had ample time to go back to anywhere we like but our legs and feet were just so sore and we were all starting to get cramps that we just all gave up and had a meal at Liverpool Train Station. That was the last meal we had together before Jemi and Orren left. In two years, they were the very first who came to our home and spent a weekend with us, this is why husband and I find it to be so special having them in England. Jemima was like a childhood friend, someone who knew about my family background, who knew my Dad and Mum, my sister and brother. Although we had to catch up on a lot of things - practically almost 20 years of not seeing each other, we still felt so comfortable with each other. We still talked like it was only yesterday when we were together doing our term papers, projects and assignments in college. Ok, stop Len, stop, this is supposed to be about London. Yes, I know, but Jemima made the London trip more memorable and more enjoyable so, actually, this is about her, isn't it? Ha! I better stop now as it is pretty obvious I am starting to rattle.

Yes, London became even more beautiful with a very dear Jemima in tow. Of course, it wouldn't have been much fun without our hubbies to carry our bags, haha!

I told you, didn't I? I am not a travel writer. And this is not a travel blog.

Top photo: Me and Jemi sticking out our tongues, behind us is The Big Ben Bottom photo: Orren and Jemi in Norfolk, near the Norwich Castle