Do you burn bridges?

Mood: Tired (Just finished doing DIY)

My question is not literal of course. By 'burning bridges,' I mean ending relationships - for example friendship? Or maybe ending any form of communication with an acquaintance, a colleague or someone you know or even a relative perhaps? Well, of course, I wouldn't know your answer. Me? Do I burn bridges? Yes. And I have. I even had to cut off all forms of communications with a cousin. Why? You ask. Because sometimes it is the best thing to do, in my best judgment, for both parties.

In life, people come and go. The way I look at life, I see chapters. In each chapter, we meet people and build friendships. Some friends stay, some leave. With some, we create memorable - even beautiful - memories. With some, the memories become bitter and at times, painful. In my experience, when it becomes too painful and too difficult for me to bear - I end it. When a friendship is no longer a friendship, when I don't think I am still growing as a person and when it is turning me into a monster instead of making me a better person, then I call it quits.

I am not a mean, insensitive, cruel human being. In fact, it is not to toot my own horn, but to state a fact, I give what I can give when it comes to friendship. Friendship, for me, is a very deep word. Friends are like my second family. People who you can run to when the world has turned away from you...in the same way that these are people who can run to you when the world has turned away from them. So when this changes, it becomes really difficult. When you are no longer 'in synch' with the person, when you are no longer in the same wave length...then I think it is time to move on.

This reminds me of a cousin who I loved so dearly when we were little girls. She lived in the countryside and I lived in the city. We wrote to each other and we were bestfriends. When finally we met, we were so ecstatic and we did almost everything together. Then that changed. I changed. She changed. Over the next few years, I tried to synchronize myself with her and to follow her wave length. But one day, I just got fed up. I got really, extremely, angry. I was drained. All hopes gone. I said the most horrible things - horrible things that, up to now, I still do not regret saying. I am not proud of what I have done but I still think she deserved them. That was about four years ago if I am not mistaken. I still think I did the right thing by ending it all. I didn't want to have anything to do with her and I still feel the same. I still believe it was the right thing to do. Another cousin once asked me, 'Te Len, please forgive her.' My heart melted. It was time to look back, 'Have I forgiven her, really?' Yes, I have. There was no longer anger in my heart. I was able to let it go and living my life away from all the bad memories helped a lot. As my better half always says, 'They are just tiny dots from afar. They are no longer here. They can no longer hurt you.' He is right. What happened four years ago doesn't hurt me any more. I have forgiven the person. But I still think that what happened was for the best. I wish her well but I no longer wish for her to be part of my life or me to be part of hers. I am better off without her. I am a better person without her.

So, yes, I do burn bridges when I think it is the most logical thing to do. I keep the bridge burned for years. But I keep my doors open. If a time comes, when the bridge can be rebuilt, if it is at all possible, then I am ready for that change as well. But that is, IF the time ever comes.

A relaxing 30-minute break!

Mood: Relaxed. At the end of this week, I was just exhausted. My neck was starting to hurt. Perhaps I knew that this was going to happen because a month ago I made an appointment at a treatment centre to get a relaxing neck and shoulder massage at lunch time. Hubby told me to be careful where I go for a massage. I argued that this was a professional treatment centre and was recommended by a good friend. I was right. I was wary though because the first time I had a treatment, it was right at the city centre and after the treatment, I heard some 'banging' noises from the next room. Call me dirty-minded but I could only surmise something going on in there that wasn't supposed to be going on! The Receptionist explained, after I asked what the noise was, that there was a gym in the building. I wasn't convinced and got worried so I did not go back since. Now I found another treatment centre where I feel more comfortable and at ease and I think that is the most important thing here. A 30-minute neck massage from a Therapist was what I needed! I felt so relaxed after that I wanted to go to sleep!!! But yes, it was only lunch time and I only had an hour to spare and needed to zoom back to work...*BIG SIGH* I used to think that splurging on things like a back or foot massage or a facial or anything to make me feel better is not practical. I always thought it was wasting money. Back home, the only luxury I had for myself every end of the month was a manicure! But last year, when the muscles on my neck and my back started to really get tensed and the Nurse Practitioner told me that I need to treat myself sometimes, I started to think that perhaps a treatment might help. So I did it a few months ago and thought that perhaps I could do it again. I feel better! I guess with all the hardwork we do for ourselves and the people we love, we deserve to treat ourselves with something like this to relax us. After all, what is money for? We work hard for it, don't we?

How do we live without a mobile phone???

Mood: Not too bad.

Imagine the world without the use of computers or the internet. Without the satellite navigator when you are driving. Without the CCTV cameras all around you. Without the telephone - and oh yes! Without the mobile phone! Can you imagine leaving the house without checking your bag or your pocket and asking, 'Have I got my mobile phone with me?' For most, it is quite difficult to imagine.

Wikipedia says that it was in 1978 that a trial of the first commercial cellular was launched. Click here to find out more.

I grew up without a mobile phone. In fact, it was only when I was in college and a few years after that I noticed its existence. Shortly before the year 2000, I bought my first-ever mobile phone. I am never without it since then. Now I have been thinking, what would I do without a mobile phone? Hhhhhmmm...how's my lunchtime going to be without it? I would probably be reading books at lunch, instead of texting away! If I didn't have it, I would probably be always worrying about my family in the Philippines because it wouldn't be that easy to make contact. Perhaps, without a mobile phone, life is simpler but less convenient. Technology never ceases to amaze me and that includes mobile phones. I don't keep changing my mobile to the most advanced and the latest models in the market all the time. I am quite satisfied with the simple functions like just texting, phoning and storing names, numbers and addresses. With my family away from me, I cannot imagine living without a mobile phone. It is an essential for me. But maybe it is just me, really. Maybe I just think it is essential. Maybe I can live without it. Oh, well.

The lady behind my wedding dress!

Mood: Very good.

I love weddings. It's probably because I'm a hopeless romantic. I just love the idea of getting married, looking at the eyes of your beloved, exchanging vows. I love seeing the happy tears, the glowing face of the bride, the happy tearful eyes of the groom. I know love doesn't end there and I know that it is only the beginning. But then, weddings are beautiful. Everybody is happy - unless it's a shotgun wedding, no! - but generally, weddings are lovely...they are full of love, joy, excitement. They are full of beautiful people. Everybody dresses up.

My wedding in 2005 was a simple one. But I loved it. I still love looking at the photographs and I always tell my better half that I want to do it all over again. I still feel the same after almost 3 years. I still want to marry the same man all over again.

But I'm getting derailed there. (Focus, Len, focus...) Today, something reminded me of my own wedding and my wedding dress. My wedding dress was a very simple dress made by my Ate Adora, a very very good friend of mine. She made all my long dresses when I needed them for my 'moonlighting' (Ooops - don't get me wrong there - I used to 'moonlight' as an emcee/presenter at wedding receptions and corporate events when I was in the Philippines, not that 'moonlight' you have got in mind, whatever that is...). The dresses that she made for me were all beautiful but my favourite was my wedding dress. It was a Maria Clara-inspired wedding top, matched by a long flowing white skirt. She made me a shawl made of pina-organza fabric with pearl beads along the edges. I was a little bit overweight (OK, OK, delete the 'a little bit' part, I was overweight!)when I got married but I felt beautiful in this dress.

Ate Adora did not see me in this dress because she wasn't able to come to my wedding. This is actually a long overdue entry - yes, 3 years and I wrote it only now ***sigh*** don't give me that look, I already know! This is to thank Ate Adora for making me feel so special and beautiful on my special day and for making so many brides beautiful by making them the most beautiful wedding gowns!

Ate Adors, this post is for you! You know what??? I think you are the next Monique Lhuillier!!! Kudos to you!

If you want to see more of Ate Adora's creations, please click here.

Note: None of the photos show my wedding dress but these are all works of Ate Adora. Unfortunately, there wasn't any good photograph of my dress. The ones that I have got are amateur shots, very amateur that they are not worth publishing. But maybe, just maybe, you will love the back view of it, here:

Woo-hoo!

Mood: A lot lot lot better. Well-rested.


So guess what happened in between my posts??? There are things to woo-hoo about!

The kitchen got cleaned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W00-hoo!!!
I feel a lot better today. My better half is trying to make it up by taking a day off from work yesterday and today. Also, I feel so happy because he just got a new job - he was offered two new jobs!!! In a week or so, he will be starting his nursing job again. Woo-hoo!!!

Also, we are getting the house ready for some friends who are coming - an old college friend Jemima and hubby who are coming from Canada and dear friends Karla and Ed from Dorset. There's going to be some life in the house - after two long years I will have some friends around!!! Another woo-hoo!!!

Today, I'm doing the laundry, yes I know it's boring telling you this. But at least I'm not drying them in the dryer - which I don't really like - but out in the sun!!! It rained hard last night but today it is dry, hopefully it lasts, but it is quite windy. Summer in England is not real summer so what do you expect? Don't get me wrong - I love it here! Woo-hoo!

Well, as it is too obvious that I am in one heaven of a good mood today, I better sign off and start living! Woo-hoo!

...On witches and gits

Mood: Blah I have learned that we meet certain people in life to learn something. I have also learned that when we meet the most difficult people with behaviour that is totally and absolutely out of synch with ours, it means we have to learn something big and learn it the hard way. Needless to say, I have met nasty, arrogant, domineering people who scare the hell out of me. I do not know how to handle them. I worry that if I am unable to handle them or deal with them, I might just walk out or worse, I might lose my temper - which is very likely - and end up going nuts! I feel like a child scared of the monster under her bed. I feel like I am not in control. For me, they are like my teachers in grade school who brought my life so much terror that if I had my way, I wouldn't have gone to school at all. In my quest to find a solution to get rid of this senseless fear of, should we call them - people behaving like Kings and Queens of the Earth - I found a technique that is absolutely and hilariously effective! Interested to know? Okay, okay, calm down. Don't get overly excited. I will tell you. When I was a child - and even in my adulthood I suppose - I used to see these horrible people as giants. Simply put, bigger than me. I know that in the physical world, they are not. But I used to look at them as huge creatures, so much bigger than me. Therefore, also stronger and more powerful. Because of this illusion, I was always (or maybe still am?) horrified of them. They are like giant Cruela de Vils and huge Lex Luthors. Now, I have learned, that by using my imagination, I can decrease their size. Because of this discovery of my own power, I make them as small as I can make them. I make them like a dwarf (or dwarves). The voice also becomes really really small. By reading books in psychology, I have learned that these people have overwhelming insecurities they cannot handle so they want to dominate and overpower people. They show this by displaying a fiery temper, raising their voices, body language to show that they are in control, tapping the table - for example - to emphasise something to show arrogance and force and other nasty tactics to make you feel smaller than them. If in my eyes, I see them as people a lot bigger than I am, this display of power is frightening and often appalling. But if they are smaller than I am, then they can throw tantrums, cough fire or even run amuck, they can do whatever they want, it will only look comical. I have tested this and it worked! It actually worked! There was this woman at work who used to scare me to death! Now I just imagine her so much smaller and the thought of her screaming in front of me or over the telephone now no longer bothers me. She has now become, in my own Universe, so miniscule that her existence in my life is insignificant. I have just started doing the same technique with the other witches and gits around me. Try it! It works! In conclusion, if these people are in our lives to teach us something...I think that maybe...it should be to discover how to make them disappear? Hhhhmmmm....that's an idea.

So little time...

Mood: Tired.

For some reason, I was extremely tired yesterday. I didn't know why. I was supposed to write some letters for the housing association, solicitor, etc., etc. (I am my better half's Executive Secretary) but I explained to hubby that I needed to rest early. At half past 9 at night, I was asleep. Very unusual for a night person like me who can watch 3 consecutive films in one night (I should have tried getting a job in the film industry...or a film review board perhaps???) or read a book until the wee hours of the morning. Tonight, I don't feel too bad. I feel kind of lazy but alright. I have the I-want-to-just-lay-down-for-a-bit-and-do-nothing kind of feeling. Sometimes I feel there is so much to do and work seems to go on forever and ever and ever, even when I get home. Dishes. Laundry. Hoovering. Paperwork. Cooking...err, I don't do much and the microwave does a lot of help...yes, I know microwaves are not always healthy but there you go.

Well, such is life. How do I deal with it? Simple. I don't do any of them. Look at my kitchen! I have the makings of a first-rate slob! Luckily, my husband doesn't complain - nor throw pillows around the room - thank God - when things don't get done. He tries to help me but most things I prefer to do myself. Don't ask me why, maybe it's a disorder of some sort.

A friend of mine, Anne, who is one of the busiest people I know, often tells me the things that she wants to do but cannot seem to have enough time to do them. I always hear myself telling her to slow down and give herself some credit for being a good Mum and being able to juggle all three jobs at the same time (Yes, three jobs! I cannot imagine it myself!)! But now look at me, feeling almost miserable not being able to do all these things I want to do at home and things that I want to get over and done with. Even the manuscript that I have started suddenly came to a stop and I cannot seem to get the Chapter 2 done - (Friend Wen, heeellllpp!!!) ***SIGH***

Well, we can only do so much. There is time for everything. A time to work and a time to do the dishes. A time to write and a time to do the laundry. But most of all, it's time for bed!

Ho-huuummm!!! Have a restful sleep tonight, dear friends!

When we went into a church, we didn't burn...

Mood: Calm.

Tendencies: None at the moment. Yipeee!

This is St Michael & All Angels’ Church in Hawkshead.

No, hubby and I didn’t burn and to think we haven’t been into one for a very very long time.

Givin' Some Lovin'

My friend Gina tagged me and gave me a lovely friendship bracelet in graphics. Sorry, Gin, it took awhile for me to reply. I just got home from work and just too lazy to play with the computer to look for graphic images so I thought I'd give you these flowers to say thank you!

These flowers are for all my friends out there - from the Philippines (I miss you all so much!), from the UK, from America, Canada, Korea (this list now includes all my Friendster friends as well!) - thank you for the friendship!

Retail Therapy and Father's Day

Mood: Better than yesterday
Tendencies: None
Warning: For the most part of this entry, it can be construed as moaning and whining about yesterday's happening. If you've got an earache (or eyeache?), you better not read this. But this is more to tell what happened behind the the red shoes and the white trouser suit.

What better way to make yourself feel better than go shopping? Yes, I still felt bad this morning so I went shopping.

I understand hubby wanted to go to work. Fine by me. But what annoyed me even more was that, instead of making amends, I was ignored. I may have over-reacted. It was just a summer ball for goodness' sake, Len. It was only £25 that was lost. It was only the days that I looked for a dress, the shoes, the purse. The nights that I imagined myself wearing the trouser suit that I finally found. With all of these things in my head, I went berserk when he wouldn't talk to me about it the morning after I was told that we weren't going. Husband said it was childish the way that I behaved (I threw pillows all around the bedroom!) and reacted after he ignored me. I thought he behaved arrogantly - well for me that was arrogant to behave that way to your wife - not talking to me as if to say, 'Well, I don't care how you feel. That's just the way that it is, Take it or leave it.' He didn't say it literally, no, but I just thought perhaps that was the message. He later explained that he didn't know how to react or what to say because he knew I was upset. In my case, I needed to vent out my anger. I needed a punching bag with his photograph stuck on it but I didn't have that so I threw pillows around the room instead. In the past, I had punched pillows in frustration and anger whilst he was at work so he's never seen this side of me. Bottomline, he said hurtful words he shouldn't have said in reaction to my over-reaction.

Maybe I was expecting too much from him. Maybe I was forgetting that he is from the West and I am from the East and our way of life are two different things. I know what my Dad would do when Mum was feeling bad about something (in the Philippines, this is called 'tampo' or 'sama ng loob'). Husband doesn't know how to deal with 'tampo' and most often, I forget that that's the case and that in his country, 'tampo' doesn't exist and so dealing with it is unknown.

My better half doesn't get angry so easily. He is a person so easy and pleasant to live with and for that, I feel so lucky. I am the one who gets frustrated, gets angry, gets annoyed easily. My excuse? I am a woman, that's why. But when I get really angry, the problem arises when my husband also gets irritated so we end up not talking to each other. If we do talk in the end - it becomes an argument because he makes sure he wins and he doesn't apologise. The two magic words for me when I feel really bad are 'I'm sorry.' But husband never learns this. Maybe it isn't in his psyche. Maybe it's about time I accept this fact. Or maybe it's about time not to sweat the small stuff. (My other self wanting to butt in: B-b-buut, it's no small stuff!!! It's a ball for Heaven's sake! @:£$(!"@!!!! Ziiipp.)

Today it's Father's Day. I don't want to ruin his day. He's been a good father to our boy...and he was, to my knowledge, a very good Dad to his other 5 children - now all grown up - before I came into his life. But today, sadly, no one remembered. Nobody sent a card. No phonecalls from anyone of them. So I thought I'd forget about what happened yesterday and get him something special. Tonight, when he comes home, I will give him this:

It's my way of saying 'I'm sorry' for over-reacting and for what he calls 'a childish' behaviour. It's my way of saying despite the hurtful things that was said and his inability to apologise, I know he is a wonderful person. It is my way of saying that he is bigger than his shortcomings and his love is bigger than anything else in the world. Most of all, it is to say he means the world to me.

PS: Tampo refers to a Filipino cultural behavior in which one withdraws affection or cheerfulness from a person who has hurt one's feelings - Reference: Wikipedia. Click here to read more.

An Anti-Climax

I have just experienced a terrible anti-climax last night. Husband and I will not be going to the summer ball! What? You say to me. After all the time and effort...and the money that you have spent preparing for it, you are not going??? Yes, I am not. I don't know whose fault it is. My mind is not working at the moment. Husband received a text message from work asking him to report today and instead of texting back to say that he has specifically requested for a day off on Saturday, he insisted that he is going to work!!!

Yes, folks, I had to sit back and control myself last night and this morning!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

What is this about, you say. Well, this is about the last two weeks that I was so excited getting ready for a summer ball that was supposed to be tonight. I was so excited that I spent all my lunch hours at work looking for the right top, the right dress, the right make-up, the right everything! Only to be told last night, at the last minute, that we were not going.

I went berserk. I felt like a bride listening to her groom saying that there won't be any wedding! For God's sake, what a hassle! How did I handle my anger? Terrible. Really terrible. I now feel like I am such a horrible person. My better half has a very good way of making you feel even worse after he's disappointed you. Instead of making amends, he ignored me and did not talk to me. Tell you what, if this wasn't just a ball, I would have left the house with a thought of not coming back! That's just how angry I am at the moment.

So, again, whilst I am at it, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

The theme of the summer ball tonight was RED. I bought this red purse two weeks ago for the event.

The red shoes that I wouldn't be able to return to the shop because I just love 'em.

The make up that almost cost a fortune! Who wouldn't get absolutely mad???

So what do I do now? Sulk? No way! I'm going to Norwich to go shopping! Hmp!