Warning: For the most part of this entry, it can be construed as moaning and whining about yesterday's happening. If you've got an earache (or eyeache?), you better not read this. But this is more to tell what happened behind the the red shoes and the white trouser suit.
What better way to make yourself feel better than go shopping? Yes, I still felt bad this morning so I went shopping.
I understand hubby wanted to go to work. Fine by me. But what annoyed me even more was that, instead of making amends, I was ignored. I may have over-reacted. It was just a summer ball for goodness' sake, Len. It was only £25 that was lost. It was only the days that I looked for a dress, the shoes, the purse. The nights that I imagined myself wearing the trouser suit that I finally found. With all of these things in my head, I went berserk when he wouldn't talk to me about it the morning after I was told that we weren't going. Husband said it was childish the way that I behaved (I threw pillows all around the bedroom!) and reacted after he ignored me. I thought he behaved arrogantly - well for me that was arrogant to behave that way to your wife - not talking to me as if to say, 'Well, I don't care how you feel. That's just the way that it is, Take it or leave it.' He didn't say it literally, no, but I just thought perhaps that was the message. He later explained that he didn't know how to react or what to say because he knew I was upset. In my case, I needed to vent out my anger. I needed a punching bag with his photograph stuck on it but I didn't have that so I threw pillows around the room instead. In the past, I had punched pillows in frustration and anger whilst he was at work so he's never seen this side of me. Bottomline, he said hurtful words he shouldn't have said in reaction to my over-reaction.
Maybe I was expecting too much from him. Maybe I was forgetting that he is from the West and I am from the East and our way of life are two different things. I know what my Dad would do when Mum was feeling bad about something (in the Philippines, this is called 'tampo' or 'sama ng loob'). Husband doesn't know how to deal with 'tampo' and most often, I forget that that's the case and that in his country, 'tampo' doesn't exist and so dealing with it is unknown.
My better half doesn't get angry so easily. He is a person so easy and pleasant to live with and for that, I feel so lucky. I am the one who gets frustrated, gets angry, gets annoyed easily. My excuse? I am a woman, that's why. But when I get really angry, the problem arises when my husband also gets irritated so we end up not talking to each other. If we do talk in the end - it becomes an argument because he makes sure he wins and he doesn't apologise. The two magic words for me when I feel really bad are 'I'm sorry.' But husband never learns this. Maybe it isn't in his psyche. Maybe it's about time I accept this fact. Or maybe it's about time not to sweat the small stuff. (My other self wanting to butt in: B-b-buut, it's no small stuff!!! It's a ball for Heaven's sake! @:£$(!"@!!!! Ziiipp.)
Today it's Father's Day. I don't want to ruin his day. He's been a good father to our boy...and he was, to my knowledge, a very good Dad to his other 5 children - now all grown up - before I came into his life. But today, sadly, no one remembered. Nobody sent a card. No phonecalls from anyone of them. So I thought I'd forget about what happened yesterday and get him something special. Tonight, when he comes home, I will give him this:
It's my way of saying 'I'm sorry' for over-reacting and for what he calls 'a childish' behaviour. It's my way of saying despite the hurtful things that was said and his inability to apologise, I know he is a wonderful person. It is my way of saying that he is bigger than his shortcomings and his love is bigger than anything else in the world. Most of all, it is to say he means the world to me.
PS: Tampo refers to a Filipino cultural behavior in which one withdraws affection or cheerfulness from a person who has hurt one's feelings - Reference: Wikipedia. Click here to read more.